We’ve gotten back into our normal busy routine. Life goes on even when you lose someone you love and somehow you move with it. I wasn’t prepared for how hard that part is. I start to feel a little more “normal” and then the sadness floods as the disbelief turns into realization. That realization can be debilitating at times, but then somehow I keep on.
People ask how I am and I say “okay” because I am. I’m functioning, finding joy in my family, and feeling God’s presence as I worship and tell Him all my thoughts. But, I never know when the sadness will hit.
Hank seems to struggle the most of our kids. He always looked up to his Uncle Jake and loved whatever Jake loved. The other night I found Hank weeping in his bed. His loss hurts my mama heart even more than my own. I asked if he wanted to snuggle or talk and he said, “Both.” Then, he said, “I just don’t get it, Mom. If God is so powerful, why does He even let us sin so that there’s death and sickness?” Oh Son, I feel this too. . . So much. . . All day everyday. WHY.
I called Ryan in because I knew I couldn’t do this conversation alone. I found myself somehow speaking, “Hank, if Mom and Dad forced you to do exactly what we said all day long how would that feel?” “Like a robot? Oh, God doesn’t make us robots! He lets us think and feel and make decisions! So that’s why!” And just like that, his heart was settled and he was able to snuggle in and rest on me.
My heart still struggles. I have to wrestle each day with why God did not answer our prayers in the way we hoped. Thousands of people were praying. But, God chose to heal Jake by taking him home where there would be no more cancer. Jake is better than he ever was. Jake is whole and his “faith has become sight.” This is the most beautiful truth and yet leaves us without Jake. It leaves my new sister without her husband. . . My parents without a son.
But, this is what I know today and how I am. I know that when I begin to feel like I can no longer walk, God’s presence fills my heart in a way that I can’t even describe. It says in the Bible that the Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit and I feel it so deeply. I know that the Bible says that when we are faithless, God remains faithful and true to His character. I know that I see evidences every day of His grace through the ways friends love and care for us meeting needs we didn’t even realize we had.
I keep trying to edit these thoughts and add a nice ending on and I can’t find it. I think because I don’t know the end yet. I have yet to see all the beauty that I know God will make from the ashes. So, I think I’ll just push publish.